Not a Post for my Dad

No, Seriously Daddy,

I'm going to talk a little dirty.


I feel like I should have a modern, clinical sounding subtitle.  I wrote one in the notebook.
But really... I'm not actually that fancy.

Though this is a little bit about how I think too many options in the dating/personal connection make it so there is no structure to follow. And while we are all supposed to be mature, and talk about things, in the beginning, its actually not that encouraged. But then, while I see the appeal of being blunt, there is a level of directness that can be off putting and crass.

Sprinkle the fact that I am neurotic, and you can see why I really don't date.  Also commitment-phobe.

I used to be a huge flirt, it started when I was young, and it was fun, and eventually flirting can lead to sex. Mostly this is fine, and 90% of the boys out there are lovely creatures who realize flirting does not always lead to sex.  But, 10% get mad at you, for not meaning it as more than an invitation for playful banter, some of them were inoffensive enough to sleep with and let it go. Others, not so much. But slowly I stopped flirting as much, and I have stopped flirting completely (as much as I am able) at work, because I am awkward, and strange and should not date coworkers...

But in my business, in my town, coworker is a board term....

Anyway,

recently, I guy in my local, who I work with sometimes, but not often, started to send me messages on Facebook, innocuous stuff, Hi, you're up late, get to sleep...etc, a couple of times, then a week ago, we just kept chatting, and it got a little sexual. And I will say I am intrigued. I will say I don't do well at spontaneous sexting with men I don't know well, I get... awkward, shy and a little freaked out. Not in a bad way, well, maybe, and I cut it off abruptly before it turned into some booty call.

I am not opposed to booty calls, but, well, I think I need more time. Boyfriends are a bother, commitment is a sticky subject, and yet I cannot recall having an orgasm with anyone the first time I have sex with someone, so, while I don't like to say it... it means I have given up a little. And so I'm out of practice.  A series of booty calls, with someone who sort of understands my schedule, this could be ideal.

But there are other issues, (I am going to go on, and on, but the main issues are I'm insecure, awkward and weird in situations where I am not calling all the shots) sigh, it seemed from our conversation that my main appealing feature are the boobs, and it seems he missed that I had cancer and I'm a boob down. I don't think he is a jerk, so, ultimately if he is into me, it wont matter.

Or, he might be thinking, she is old, fat and lonely maybe she will come over and blow me. I do seem to appeal to drunk and sad men.

This is a terrible post.

I will do better tomorrow.