really really no cookie.

so, of course now I don't think I want to spend the money to go to Cali. its because I suck. and I spend too much money.

Anyway, just thinking about the holidays is depressing. blah.

um, so, we have been doing a little skit, A Scarlet Letter, here for a while, its pretty good, if not fantastic, its a bit short though, and its gotten a little boring to run, but its over in less than a week. After that, its two weeks of maintenance, not too thrilling, mostly cleaning, then, free, to call in my availability, and take work if its out there, not to worried about that, I have things to knit, and clean, last year I don't think I felt like I had much of a break. This year might be better. I hope. I need to sew some stuff, because I plan to revamp the fabric stash area, so, I can ferment things, and be a little less filthy in the apartment.

I will probably just sleep, though.

I think I have a little cancer PTSD, all the panic and worry resurfaces at odd times, and I think about dying, so, I have trouble falling asleep, then I am tired, and more susceptible to worry and panic. Then I get weepy. Its soooooo stupid. But when I am off contract I plan to go to a support group on tuesdays, at my hospital. I only bring it up here because this is a little bit anonymous, even though I know everyone who reads this, I don't bring it up in person, because #1, it makes my eyes leak or something... and I know I am being silly, plus, rationalization that will come from my friends, in a way to quickly make me feel better, will not make me feel better, but rather make me pretend to feel better. What I want to hear, from people who know, is it gets better.

One of the ways I learned not to bring up certain complaints of mine that will eventually get better, is by talking about the soreness I feel in the armpit, chest wall, shoulder area. I think its normal, albeit annoying. Its fine, if I am just doing nothing or just going about regular people activity, but my job involves some odd lifting and pulling, and there is some stiffness because I over protect the area unconsciencely or I did, by hunching my right shoulder. I am trying to stop that, and trying to massage scar tissue and muscle lumps, but its an incrementally slow process, and hurts both ways. I know it gets better though, its similar to my knee surgery, you have to stretch the tissues involved just past the point of discomfort and go a little bit further each time you can, after a long time it doesn't hurt anymore, and then you are done. Also annoying, is on my side under my arm if I apply pressure to my skin it feels like I am pinching it, I think this is nerve damage, and it might get better on its own, or I might have to have the plastic surgeon fix it.

complaining about these things fixes nothing, but is a release... I try not to be a big complainer, or at least I think I try not to, but sometimes, its more like a chance to let it go, but some of the people I would talk about it with just want to discuss solutions, and there are none that I am not doing now. so...

end of whining... for today.

I invented a raw recipe, I think I will post it tomorrow.