procrastination

I sure am good at it.

one scene done, and now I have watched a few tutorials on how my writing program works.

I'm a dope.

Life is more interesting

So, my life is generally not very exciting.

But my friends have decided to open a theatre company, and while I think they are wildly crazy. They are enthusiastic about my Late Night Sci-Fi Cereal  Serial Space Puffs.

And I am excited to be able to do something like this, its terrifying, because if its just a crazy dream, then it can always remain a success in your mind, but if you actually try to do it, and you aren't as good as your imagination, well... there you are. So, its helpful to have a group of people be excited about your idea, and commit to doing it. So, while I only have a rough outline of how the Pilot Episode should go, I am now committed to writing something.

On Friday, Christina had had the idea to gather some actors, and improv some scenes, I wasn't too sure about it, but I can't poo-poo everything all of the time. She said she knew a few improv folks, but we should also have auditions, so I put out a notice, it seemed sketchy to me, and I think I may have made it seem even sketchier, by my skepticism, and by not following through, in a timely manner, the three actors who had expressed interest in coming through my audition post, didn't actually come. And, since, I didn't really know how it was going to work, and Christina wasn't sure either, it had just seemed like it might be a good idea, and none of the other folks interested in being part of the writing group showed up that Friday, we didn't actually write anything.

But then two people showed up, to watch.

So, we very quickly conferred, and I have to write out about 4 or 6 scenes for next Friday, and if no one comes, then Tim and Christina, and I will poorly act them out.

I am halfway through writing the first scene.

5 1/2 left to go.... at least I know what they are going to be about... ish

a post is coming

I had been planning a little post on why I think I was sad a week ago.

I was sorting it all out in my mind, and well in doing that the urgency seemed to pass.

I think it was a perfect storm of things, I can get moody, and maybe a little depressed, but I have never found dwelling on it to be effective, and maybe, its not really depression - just life. But there are days I am overwhelmed and sometimes I just read a book while laying in bed, but it gets boring after a while, ya know.

But anyway I'm not exactly sure how it started, but I think it had roots in helping my friend who is getting divorced, from a guy who has serious addiction issues. And in someways she is a point of her life similar to the one I was in when I left my mother's house.  Obviously its different, because the nature of the love between a parent and a child is different than between romantic partners, but that feeling that you could have loved them better on your end, and on their end they are thinking the same thing, because they are blaming outside forces for their life, and you are blaming yourself. Both are wrong, but you have to stop engaging in this dance... and its hard.

But thinking of that time, brings up memories of feelings, and those are terrible to fight, because you shouldnt have been feeling those feelings, but you were, so the memories are strong, and you fight in your brain about it. And the memories of that time, are all what is it about myself that makes me unlovable. The craziest part is, I HAVE ALREADY WORKED THROUGH THIS! I have cried those tears, and come to terms with it, and I was lovable, and my mother loved me, she was just... broken. All that bullshit, I have been passed it for years... its infuriating.

In the beginning of this ... spiral... I was talking to one friend who lost her father this year, and we are hoping to get a group of partially orphaned friends together for some Scotch, when another friend (this was at work) asked if she could go, since her stepfather who had raised her, was basically dead to her, and at that moment, I realized it wasn't the same, I would have said it was the day before, but not now... its all fresh, fresh in all its stupidity. I have mourned not having a meaningful conversation with my mom about anything that ever happened at any time in the past, a million times in the last 20 odd years, but it unaccountably makes me very sad now.  There is nothing I could have done different, but still she was my mom.

Which brings me to possibly the last piece of the little puzzle, a game people play is the my parents are crazy and they have messed me up... blah, blah, blah.  and two of my close friends right now, play the game, and they are a bit dramatic about it, and sometimes, I pipe in, then they jump in to defend their poor mothers, and disparage my bad mother, and they can't see how I loved her at all.  But she was my mother. One said her mother would adopt me. Well, I have had other mother figures in my life, but for better or worse, they aren't your mother. I don't think its an obligation of blood, necessarily, maybe early formative years, the codependent validation of the parent child relationship? I don't know. But I had my allotment of mothers, and I am sad my original one was not all the story books said it should be, but I don't think I need another.

This whole episode of grief sort of surprised me in how sad it made me, how much I could not shake it off, it lasted about two weeks, then I cried a little about not wanting someone else's mom, and it lifted just like a cloud.  I'm a little weepy right now, but I think I'll rally.

nanowrimo

only three hundred words today, so when I get some time to work on this, I will be very far behind, well, Ill do the best I can, what else is there to be done.

maybe

Maybe I should make a goal to post everyday of NaNoWriMo.

Maybe.

today I worked two shows, and slept in a bit, tomorrow, I clean my room... no seriously, and write some.

but now, I should go to sleep.