Sad news

This post might be more... process-y than normal.

You see, my mom died.

Last Wednesday.

Her husband was too over come to contact me right away, I get that, and there is nothing I could have done anyway.

He says he has made arraignments for her cremation, as per her wishes.

In his email, he then went on to compare this tragedy to other horrific losses of his past, which makes it seem like grief should be a competition. And I won't play.

From seeing my mom around other people, and moments growing up, I know her to have been an intelligent, funny, interesting person, cooler at times than other moms. But I wasn't what she wanted. I'm not anything subversive, or alternative, just a girl. But we were a disappointment to each other I guess. It seems simplistic to say we didn't get along because she was mean. It seems petulant, and childish. At least to say it. Because... as the kids say today, it's complicated.

In my dealings with Al, the husband, he has always been churlish, and a bit mean, and I think he has a slightly bloated idea of the amount of respect is owned to him by me. But if you deal with him cautiously, and with a level of empathy, and you don't expect any of that back, it works out.

Enough of that, I did have a moment in the last week, or possibly last month, and I recall it as this last week, where I wondered to myself if my mom would visit me when she died, like she always said her grandmother did, I do know my mother believed that she would be able to watch over the people she loved. So, that's comforting, and possibly spooky, if I want to think of it that way.

On a purely greedy note, not really, I wonder what will happen to her precious family heirlooms, her cedar chest filled with report cards and christening gowns? I want to ask, but I know I can't, and I mostly want to ask because I know I'm not "getting" anything. I've always known I won't get anything, especially if she went first. I'm not sure I want anything anyway. I certainly don't have a place for anything. Besides Al is a little heartbroken for me to be having any sort of conversation about this, for... well, a very long time, if ever.

One last thing, I sort of want to make my uncle be a better person and send Al a sympathy card. But I won't bother.