One and a half weeks since finding out I have breast cancer

Well, I am here at the first day of tech rehearsal, towards the end, thinking I should update the blog.

So, what's going on, I had an MRI yesterday, it was very interesting. You lie face down with your breasts in cloth cups in a position slightly hunched, with you arms over your head. They inject a contrast material, which is milder than the older kinds, but still it made my muscles twitchy. There it was so loud, it makes it very frightening, I did a lot of mindful breathing, counting my breath, it was Very helpful.

So, if we look back, the mammogram and ultra sound last summer looked like normal tissue, so the hope is with the contrast dye, and the different types of pictures that we can see what's going on, how big it actually is and whether it is in my lymph nodes. I really hope it tells us what is going on, but it is also terrifying.

This coming Monday the 22, I have a million appointments, with my nurse navigator, my surgeon, and with mammo and ultra sound again. I am not sure I know who I want to come with me.

How am I doing? I am less on the edge of panic, more in control, but sometimes, I just cry a little bit. Sometimes a lot. There are big things to worry about like what if I die, what if this makes me very sick, too sick to work for a while. What if I am horribly deformed?

So. I will try to be open and honest here. More later.