an update?

So, you can skip this if you want it, might be old news, I am just going to review.

so, while I am in denial, it appears I have breast cancer in my right breast. It's 5.3cm at its largest, so, we are taking the whole boob. Thinking about that too much makes me sick to my stomach. A complete mastectomy has a better chance of getting everything, and can later be reconstructed into an all new boob.

The MRI indicates that it is not in my lymph nodes, but at the time of surgery they will do a sentinal node biopsy, where they will inject me with a radioactive isotope, to find the lymph nodes that are drained into by the breast first, and they will take a few of those to test... this is the most likely to save the most lymph nodes, and decreasing my chances for lymphedema, where there is swelling in the arm because the lymph nodes are gone. My surgeon will feel the lymph nodes to search for lumps, and will send them into be tested... I think if she feels hard things in the ones they want to take, they will take more... if she doesn't feel any lumps, but later on they find there are some, then I will have to have a second surgery, and chemotherapy. But I plan to be hopeful.

Because of the size of the tumor, and because it has some little break off bits, I will have radiation... this is to make sure there is nothing floating around there trying to start trouble... I didn't want radiation because it is bad for your heart, and while I recently quit smoking, there is no guarrentee my heart is up to snuff, but because my tumor is on the outside of my breast, the radiation will likely not enter the ribcage, and I am much more likely to not have heart trouble from this.
Contrary to some misinformation, radiation does not make your hair fall out, its like having a long exposure xray, and I will get some tattoo dots out of it.

the intial recovery period is 7 to 10 days, the surgery is scheduled for May 6th, its a thursday, during the week between two shows at my theatre, there would normally be work for me, but its the week I am less likely to be missed. I had hoped the surgery would be earlier during that week, but, oh well. It seem likely that I will miss part of the tech week, for the next show, but I hope, not too much... in my mind, what I want to have happen is they get someone to do part of my job, while I sit on a spot light, I know I wont be one hundred percent, but just 50% is enough for that, the last thing I want to do is mope. I tend to be mopey if left on my own, and I am giving that crap up. If denial gets me through it, then it gets me through it.

so, lined up for doctory things before the surgery, tomorrow, I give some blood, for genetic testing... family response, makes me think if I am a mutant, I am a spontaneous mutant. Knowing whether I have the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene, makes some decisions easier, but not all of them, my options would include, have the other boob off, and getting my ovaries removed. since there is a link if it is genetic. But just in case you are thinking having a negative test is a free pass, its not, genes are long and complicated, and they have only mapped a few of the cancer causing mutations, there are other known mutations they are unsure about, plus because the genes are so long, they only look where its been know to happen before.

I'll try to link the video I had to watch, it was interesting. Because the genetic research is still just at the begining, I have been thinking of biospecimen donation... and I have to ask about that.

oh, I have a nurse navigator appointment, next monday, where we talk about how everything is going, and things, its both hard and good to have these conversations. I can ask her about the donation.

I also have a regular check up, on April 22, prior to surgery, with my regular doctor. plus a pap smear on the 30th. I figure, get that out of the way...

I have a post op appointment on the 20th of May, but if there is bad news from my lymph nodes, I imaging I will know 3 or 4 days after the surgery.

Emotionally... well this is devastating, and I am wet myself terrified. But, I have developed a bubble of denial, and try very hard to live in the moment, not in the fear, because you can't cry all of the time, it makes it hard to work... it makes your eyesight blurry.

I have had moments, though, a few days ago, having a text conversation with my friend Sabine, I misunderstood her for a moment that she wasn't coming up, I burst into to tears, and it took about 10 minutes to get it together. I say this not to make people feel bad for me, but to underline that I am not so stoic, and in control, that I am not deeply deeply grateful for everyone's support, and thoughts.

Opening night

So, the show is open, thank god. And it's good. I am sitting in the ladies room at the big opening party.

I had a challenging emotional day today, where I learned to me detriment, that I can dish but I can't take it anymore. My emotions are so close to the surface, that my skin is very very thin.

And another thing I learned, is I feel guilty for not telling people about this... Thing. When they ask how I am. Or compliment my boobs. It's opening, my original set of boobs last opening, so I wore a low cut top. But part of my mind keeps thinking about what a murderous little bastard my right boob is.

So, I am taking a little time, to have a little cry in the ladies.

A date is set!

So, a date has been set for the surgery, which will be a mastectomy or as I like to call it Boobectomy. Afterwards there will be some radiation, which because of the position of the alien baby will not pass through the rib cage.
The cancer is not in my lymph nodes, which is excellent news, but they will still do a thingy hoohaw where they inject me with a radioactive isotope to find the closest lymph nodes to the breast system and they will take two or three and have them tested, we are hoping for an all good from that. If for some reason they find a little cancer, there will be more surgery, and possibly chemotherapy, but it doesn't look like it from the tests so far.

The surgery will be on May 6th.

Soon

In about twelve hours, I will have a prognosis and a treatment plan. After that I am going to Rainbow Natural Remedies (not for a second opinion) for cold remedy tea and other random vitamins and sundry naturally things.

9:30

930 is a strange time. 930pm it makes me sad. I thought I was good because I am working nights now, but today I had a moment.

now that I know

Now that I know my right boob is filled with cancer, it feels different to my, on the inside, lighter, and more foreign. I wonder if this is psychological, in response to the knowledge that a great deal of it is going bye bye?

I have a running list of pros and cons to losing a boobie, even though despite it all, I will be devastated.I have had these boobies longer than any friend, and I will be sad to see one go, but then again... how dare it turn on me.

I have to go work a long day, while sick, the nose and throat sick... its fantastic.

One and a half weeks since finding out I have breast cancer

Well, I am here at the first day of tech rehearsal, towards the end, thinking I should update the blog.

So, what's going on, I had an MRI yesterday, it was very interesting. You lie face down with your breasts in cloth cups in a position slightly hunched, with you arms over your head. They inject a contrast material, which is milder than the older kinds, but still it made my muscles twitchy. There it was so loud, it makes it very frightening, I did a lot of mindful breathing, counting my breath, it was Very helpful.

So, if we look back, the mammogram and ultra sound last summer looked like normal tissue, so the hope is with the contrast dye, and the different types of pictures that we can see what's going on, how big it actually is and whether it is in my lymph nodes. I really hope it tells us what is going on, but it is also terrifying.

This coming Monday the 22, I have a million appointments, with my nurse navigator, my surgeon, and with mammo and ultra sound again. I am not sure I know who I want to come with me.

How am I doing? I am less on the edge of panic, more in control, but sometimes, I just cry a little bit. Sometimes a lot. There are big things to worry about like what if I die, what if this makes me very sick, too sick to work for a while. What if I am horribly deformed?

So. I will try to be open and honest here. More later.