Pesky Protein Markers

So, I had a doctors appointment yesterday, a four month check up with the oncologist. It went well, no mysterious lumps, no terrible side effects from the tamoxifen.

We talked about mammograms and pelvic exams, we agree (unlike my general practitioner) that I should probably get a pelvic every year while on the tamoxifen, just in case it does catch something early. There is no reliable screening for uterine cancer (risk increased by tamoxifen) but it can't hurt.

We agreed to meet again in four months, and then we talked a bit about the CEA, which was elevated before and I had to have a colonoscopy... you remember. She said we should check it again, because it being elevated made her nervous, made me nervous too!!! nightmares of LURKING CANCER and all... I asked what we would do if it was high or higher, and she said... do the scans again and see if we can find something, she told me she would call with results, both of us were trying to be hopeful as I left, and I wandered down to the Lab.

Today I got an email, not a phone, from my doctor, and my CEA is down from 14.8 to 5.7, still high, normal range is 0 to 5.0 but better... I got this news an hour after saying to someone, I shouldn't worry because, I am a little different. Anyway, we will test again in 6 months.

My Very Brave Friend

I have a very brave friend who wrote a memoir about growing up sissy, and sexually abused, developing a fetish much like a addiction to ease the pain, pain compounded by a family of secrets.

Last Summer I was one of the people to proofread his memoir, I think right before he found a publisher, I was reluctant, I can be very blunt, and don't lie very well if I think something I have read is a pile of crap, and this is a good friend of mine that I work with everyday. I took one version home and didn't read it for a week, then a newer rewrite was available, and I forced myself to start... if it was bad, I would be part of the solution.

I could not stop reading this compelling story, so honestly told, so heartbreaking and heartwarming, at one point I was afraid I was friends with a sociopath... but... it works out.

He also writes a blog. And this is his Book. Now, Dennis is gay, and if you can't get past that, or think its some weird choice that people make, to be gay... well then you won't like or approve of this book, or of Dennis himself, that is okay, I don't want to hear about it though.

The post holiday gloom is a time when I feel I need to hide secrets away from ... I don't know... the biggest secret is my mom....

My relationship with my mom is the best it is ever going to be, the best arrangement is I call her three times a year, this year, I think I might send a card a month, but I don't know how long that will last. I have tried harder in the past, the return is the same. Before you say well you need to reach out more no matter what the "return" ... no. My mom wants an idealized daughter, if I call too much, that puts a damper on things, I might want her to remember something about whats going on in my life. When I called her the day after my surgery last year, she was confused, and had not even been worried or possibly aware I had had surgery, but maybe I'm selfish?

I wish it were better, but its as good as it gets, I can not make it any better, so, I think I will just call her three times a year.

But back to my friend....
I am going to see the play based on my friends memoir on Saturday, its going to be great.

A Week of Dance

So, I just spent 7 days working on a dance show, seven days straight, but that will be okay once I get the check.

I very rarely have any contact with Dancers - mostly I deal with actors, sometimes singers, but dancers are a new bread... I have sometimes worked with musical theatre dancers, and I am trying to remember if they are the same...
but dancers are nicer, and smarter than actors... they can navigate in the dark, and pay attention. They are very low maintenance and very appreciative, although I did mop the floor.... a lot.

The Dance company is Whim W'him, a new company that is now the resident dance company at the Intiman... no one is sure what that means, but... they will probably be back next year with hugs and kisses for all.

Merde

Belated Birthday Post

so, my birthday was last week, and it was pretty good.

I celebrated with my roommate, and three friends at a restaurant I had never been before, Chaco Canyon Cafe and it was great. I had a raw curry bowl which was cabbage and brussel sprouts in a coconut curry sauce, and I had a slice of coconut cream pie. I didn't really notice what everyone else had, so self absorbed, and it was over a week ago.... I take it back, Pat and Lauren had veggie dogs, Jeanette had some black bean and quinoa bowl, and I didn't notice what Christina had... not as oblivious as I thought.

I got an interesting present from my mom, I am going to criticise because it is my blog, and because its mystifying, and well, some cause for concern for myself.

So, I got this dollar store necklace and earring set, and I suspect she got it as a free gift with something else she ordered, and its missing two fake pearls. I also got a cigarette case/wallet thing, which I decided to use as a wallet, its not so good for cash, and that's a bit of a problem, but life isn't perfect. Now, I don't want to say anything bad because I got a present, and this is very rare, but... my mom used to have pretty good taste. And this is what worries me, what if there is something genetic that makes your aesthetic taste disappear as you get older? What if my mom's mom had it too, when she sent postcards of ASPCA kittens asking if we had hugged our cat today... nothing else... I already like some very kitchy things... is it already happening? I'm not sure what to do with this jewelry, I will never wear it, its gold tone for one, and well... yeah.

On brighter birthday greediness, I got a fun Lego toy from my dad of the space needle, I think I might take it to work, because that is where I have a decent collection of fun toys. I have not yet put it together, and Pat got me an embarrassment of riches (its because he got me a reciprocal saw for Christmas, which is ... well, I am unlikely to ever use it, certainly not at home, and well, he felt bad.) (I do want to cut stuff up though). I got cheesecloth, a book on making your own green cleaning products, a mini voodoo doll, and a book on making cheese. (75 recipes for making your own cheese) (now I need sheep and a yard to keep them in).

So, it was a pretty nice birthday. I turned.... 42... but I guess its not the end of the world.

New Years Eve.

Now is the time of reflection.... or looking forward.

or what...

2010 was a terrible year for me, although, in the terribleness there were bright spots.

I am cured at the moment, that's good. There is a lingering sense of panic left over from the panic they instill in you so you do what they want, that is not so good. There is also the knowledge that dying isn't something that happens just to other people, there is no getting out of it, and you might not have a bunch of time left. This year our local lost 2 people quite suddenly, and it sort of brings it home to then have a serious illness. Granted, although no one talks of it, you have a few years if you decide to do nothing at all, with breast cancer. On a gross, and slightly lighter note, there was this woman in Japan, who had my same type of tumor, and she ignored it, it got so large it ulcerated her skin, and she went to the Emergency Room, and that was the first time she had gone to the doctor for it. Mastectomy, radiation, and I think chemo, and she is fine, it wasn't even in her lymph nodes. They committed her for, not paying attention... or something.

So, I still have some residual panic, and fear of mortality, plus, I take hormone blockers, that make me achy and moody, I can make it not so terrible if I take magnesium, calcium, D3, and the B vitamins, if I forget, I get weepy and depressed, so, I'll talk to the Dr. about that in January. I'll also talk to her about the free massage thing... I don't think there is a convenient massage school, I also think I should go to the cancer support group, but I am so much better off, do they want to hear my whining?

Aside from all of that bullshit. Life is not so terrible, I have a few resolutions. diet and work out...what else... keep the apartment not disgusting... oh, and make sauerkraut, and cheese. The sauerkraut... well, I have to pay attention to it, so I have to try again... its not time consuming, it just takes time everyday, and I haven't been able to remember that, so I have to try again. the cheese... well, it takes hours and hours on the day, then after you apply wax, you wait, for at least three months. I think I will make one batch of cheese a month, next up is parmesian since that has to age for at least 12 months, then maybe little cheeses for gifts?

I know three pregnant people, plus two who didn't get presents last year because I was preoccupied, so that's 5 knitted things, plus ongoing socks, and now mittens, and some sweaters. I'll try to be better about posting photos. Because I have to knit so much, I have been uploading audiobooks to my computer, like a mad woman. Its my one huge grip that this is not easier to load into itunes, you should be able to click on something in a dialog box, and boom its an audio book. I also download my subscription for The Economist in audio, then I can listen while I do other things, and I joined audible.com. So, there will be lots to listen to, while I knit, and clean the apartment.

My most recent book listened to, was Lies My Teacher Told Me, some stuff was a shock, some stuff not so much, it made me really angry at Woodrow Wilson - now I lament where we could be now with race relations if we had not elected that racist bastard, and even wonder if Latin America would be better off and more democratic had he not been in office. and I keep thinking about A. T. Morgan who was elected to the state senate in Mississippi in 1870, then married a black woman from New York, and was re-elected. which makes me think of another book I uploaded, but haven't listened to yet... Passing Strange, about a man who was a fairly successful geologist or something, and met a woman and fell in love with her, but she was black and he was white and there were laws... so, he lied, and made up a false identity as a black pullman porter so they could get married. She found out from a letter he wrote from his deathbed on an expedition. Maybe its working for the Intiman, and we are all about breaking down the racial barriers, but... don't worry I also have two viking novels of plunder and mayhem, Crime and Punishment, Scarlet Letter, and a bunch of books by Mary Roach (Bonk, and Stiff) so, maybe I will need some light hearted stuff... hmmmm

Oh... so, what I have learned about uploading books onto my iTunes.
Insert cd.
Let it register.
Right click on cd, pick get info.
Make sure you like the artist, composer info, (I like to make sure this is the same for each disc) check the disc name, and add the disc number, add a 0 in front of a single digit, 01, select part of a compilation, and in genre type pick audiobook.
Next, press control A to select all tracks, and under the advanced tab, select join cd tracks.
Now Import cd.
After all the discs are imported, find them in you music library, you might think - I checked audiobook, why isn't it in audiobook, the answer is because Apple is stupid. I find it easiest to find the discs under artist, in the album picture view, it will be an generic picture with John Smith 12 albums, 12 songs (because we joined the tracks) right click on the icon, pick get info, under options, change media type to audiobook, check compilation, remember my place and skip when shuffling. When you hit ok, it will get whisked away to your audiobook file. If you forget to tell itunes its an audiobook before you import it, its too late... you can NEVER fix it. so...

On the next book I import, I will see if you can name the compilation before you send it to audiobooks. Making it a compilation seems to make all the albums group together in the audiobook file rather than be individual albums, which you would need to select each to add to your ipod. So, if you have a small ipod, and you want to import a large book, not checking compilation would make it possible to put only a few discs on your device at a time.

ok...
Im done... Happy New Year.
Gromek.

Summery winter salad

Kobucha salad

Kobucha is a Japanese pumpkin, and its flavor is similar to a honeydew melon, but very crunchy and orange.

the other day I made a salad with about
4 cups grated kobucha squash (peeled)
4 pears
and the juice of 4 limes

crisp and light, and using winter available stuff.

use less limes if you would like it more sweet.

really really no cookie.

so, of course now I don't think I want to spend the money to go to Cali. its because I suck. and I spend too much money.

Anyway, just thinking about the holidays is depressing. blah.

um, so, we have been doing a little skit, A Scarlet Letter, here for a while, its pretty good, if not fantastic, its a bit short though, and its gotten a little boring to run, but its over in less than a week. After that, its two weeks of maintenance, not too thrilling, mostly cleaning, then, free, to call in my availability, and take work if its out there, not to worried about that, I have things to knit, and clean, last year I don't think I felt like I had much of a break. This year might be better. I hope. I need to sew some stuff, because I plan to revamp the fabric stash area, so, I can ferment things, and be a little less filthy in the apartment.

I will probably just sleep, though.

I think I have a little cancer PTSD, all the panic and worry resurfaces at odd times, and I think about dying, so, I have trouble falling asleep, then I am tired, and more susceptible to worry and panic. Then I get weepy. Its soooooo stupid. But when I am off contract I plan to go to a support group on tuesdays, at my hospital. I only bring it up here because this is a little bit anonymous, even though I know everyone who reads this, I don't bring it up in person, because #1, it makes my eyes leak or something... and I know I am being silly, plus, rationalization that will come from my friends, in a way to quickly make me feel better, will not make me feel better, but rather make me pretend to feel better. What I want to hear, from people who know, is it gets better.

One of the ways I learned not to bring up certain complaints of mine that will eventually get better, is by talking about the soreness I feel in the armpit, chest wall, shoulder area. I think its normal, albeit annoying. Its fine, if I am just doing nothing or just going about regular people activity, but my job involves some odd lifting and pulling, and there is some stiffness because I over protect the area unconsciencely or I did, by hunching my right shoulder. I am trying to stop that, and trying to massage scar tissue and muscle lumps, but its an incrementally slow process, and hurts both ways. I know it gets better though, its similar to my knee surgery, you have to stretch the tissues involved just past the point of discomfort and go a little bit further each time you can, after a long time it doesn't hurt anymore, and then you are done. Also annoying, is on my side under my arm if I apply pressure to my skin it feels like I am pinching it, I think this is nerve damage, and it might get better on its own, or I might have to have the plastic surgeon fix it.

complaining about these things fixes nothing, but is a release... I try not to be a big complainer, or at least I think I try not to, but sometimes, its more like a chance to let it go, but some of the people I would talk about it with just want to discuss solutions, and there are none that I am not doing now. so...

end of whining... for today.

I invented a raw recipe, I think I will post it tomorrow.